More than a Marine
by Maggie Doyle
Summary: After all I've been through, you turning your back on me is what hurts the worst. Mac's in an abusive relationship, but instead of running to her friends, she pushs them away.
1. Chance

**A/n**- this is my first try at a JAG fanfic. I think the subject is more than argumentative, and I welcome that with open arms. I, however, will not like to receive hate mail on the matter. Please, if it is a flame, back up your point, but the fact of the matter is, I'm writing this fic, and there is nothing you can do to stop that.

Also, for the record, I'm a big Harm/Mac fan, almost as much as I am forbidden love fanatic, so, my point is, this isn't a plain, Harm/Mac shipper, but don't worry, give it time. wink

**Summary**- Harm and Mac are brought together in Mac's time of need. She must open up about the past, present, and her feelings before they can ever be together again.

**Spoilers/Season**- Return/Season 5 w/o Mic/Mac together.

**Categories**- AU/Angst/Romance

**Rating**- PG-13

**Warning-** some language not appropriate for all ages

**Pairing**- Mac/other, Mac/Harm

**Disclaimer**- I do not own JAG, I know, I'm upset to. I do, sadly, own Brain McIntyre and any other characters that do not appear in the series JAG.

**More Than a Marine**

_Harm,_

_I cannot tell you, Cmdr. Rabb, that what I'm doing is the right thing. The fact of the matter is: I'm doing it. I'm taking a chance on somebody, because someone wouldn't take a chance on me. I want you to know, I will always care, but I can't promise to always love you like I did. Don't you see, didn't you see that I would have given up the world for you? Harm, wither or not you come, that is up to you. I just want you to know, I would die to have you there. I'm happy, and a time ago, that would have meant something to you. If this relationship turns into strictly professional, who am I kidding, that's what its always been, right? I mean, we were never more, never could be. If I happen to pass you, and I don't receive a single 'hello' or wave, I will understand. I will try harder than hell to get past the fact, and move on with my life, move on with him. _

_Sincerely,_

_Mac_

Mac turns to her left, smiling a smile that had been missing for quite some time. The two little words rolled off her tongue like an art as she lit up the small; heavy packed room. Everyone was here, everyone but him. The one that was so protestant to the whole ordeal, of course decided it was against his beliefs to adjoin such "nonsense". But it was her "nonsense" and she wasn't, under any circumstances let him ruin it.

The preacher looked at the two, prepped up his nose in an orderly fashion and said the six words she had been waiting for. The blessing was simple but graceful as it filled the room until the more than magnificent kiss replaced it. Holding on to the moment, her body felt as if it was lifting from the ground and the only person who could keep up was the man interlocked with her lips.

Today, June 16, 2006, was her day; their day and there was nothing anyone could do to stop the gloating in the both of them. The party after words was amazing and almost as beautiful as he was.

No one would tell Mac this, but this was her last chance at happiness. Her fate is decided on this day, and wither or not she likes it, that is how it is. You can see the angelic of her beauty as she flashes a smile before another kiss to the man she gave her heart to.

"I love you Brain McIntyre," she whispered.

Ducking under the laundry basket, Mac pulled out the last bit of fresh, clean clothes from the dryer. She placed the shirts in a basket and let it lead her to the counter. Slowly, she grabbed a shirt and let it drape from a hanger. Placing the hanger on a rod above her, she when on to the next shirt.

Life was perfect for Mac. At least it is now. It was a day in the past, and will always be hidden by the unwilling gossip and chatter about what might have happened those everlasting nights.

Her eyes where stained from past tears of allergies. It was probably something the cat dragged in, or maybe the flowers, which staged themselves perfectly on the kitchen table. She stood back, admiring her simplistic task completed. Smiling, she walked into the kitchen and preheated the over before her mind mingled on the wonders of what dinner she would fix. Saturday had when by so quickly and since she wasn't in the office, more task at home where completed with delight.

She looked around, not wanting to miss a single thing. Grabbing a bag of pre-made salad out of the fridge and laid it neatly on the counter top. Taking some pasta sauce and noodles out of the pantry, she looked for the right size of pan.

About ten minutes later, the job was all but finished, waiting for the buzzer to ring. It would be about five minutes, and about two minutes after that; then he would join her with a quick smile. The Saturdays where routines anymore, one she had down to the second. Brushing her hair back behind her ear, she awaited her internal clock to buzz as she read through an old Reader's Digest lying on the side table. Reading through the last joke, she sat it down. Two minutes had past, and while is was very aware of the fact, she wasn't going to panic, knowing, well hoping the little extra time, exactly one minute and 27 no 28 seconds had past. But, tonight, luck was against her, as she opened the oven door. Pulling out the "meal" with a mitt, and laid the dish on the stovetop. Steam rose up, smoking the room as the pasta was more than brown, and the sauce began to pop bubbles. Over her slight cursing, she heard the door open.

"Sarah!" she heard a voice yelled. Rolling her eyes at her more than terrible luck, she put the "meal" in the sink and ran water over it, letting it creep into the cracks.

"Sarah, what the hell is that smell?" he asked, standing behind her.

"Yeah, how about we order a pizza?" Mac asked, turning around, completely guilt faced.

"What, you screwed up supper?" he asked in a challenging voice.

"And when was the last time you cooked supper?"

"When was the last time you worked weekends?" Brain asked, glaring at her.

"I worked my butt off today: laundry, cleaning, cooking," she said, feeling rather belittled by the conversation.

"And you can't seem to do even that right," he said.

"Don't you dare talk to me like that! You self conceded ass…" Mac was shut up by a smack on her cheek. Backing down, she held her cheek, not believing the scene that just unfolded. Clouding her cheek with her hand, she didn't hear, nor want to hear what he was saying.

"I am so sorry, Sarah. Oh my God, I never… Sarah, please… please forgive me! It's work, I'm so stressed and I didn't… oh my God, Sarah, I didn't!"

"Get out," you harshly whispered in a barely audible voice.

"Sarah, let's talk about this like grown adults," he pleaded, looking at the women he more than love.

"Get out!" she practically screamed, pointing harshly at the door with a shaking finger. Her whole body was shaking, and the 'seeing red' was an understatement. She, again, was taught what that meant. Her eyes followed him past out of the kitchen, and then her feet brought her to the entrance of the kitchen, only to see him pass the staircase leading to the door and walk towards the master bed room. He came out less then a minute later with a small duffle bag in hand, stuffed with numerous things. He opened the door without saying a word, and as he turned around to close it, he looked up at those tear stained eyes he fell in love with. His mouth open to say one of the million words he needed to, but instead, he kept mute as he closed the door and walked out. Mac watched him drive off as she wiped at the non-existence tear.

Turning around, she picked up phone. Temped to dial the man she hadn't really talk to, she instead dialed the local Pizza Hut and order a medium pizza with only her favorite toppings.

Going into her bathroom, she examined the markings. Pulling out a little tube of foundation, she placed a little on her finger, and rubbed it gently over the marking. He was a strong man, a Navy SEALs trainee, so the marking was red, threatening to change into a darker purple. Adding a touch of blush to both sides of the cheek, letting the redness mix. She gave a weak smile, and combed through her hair with her fingers as she let only one tear drop.

Awaiting the doorbell, she tried to busy herself in a book. Finally, exactly twelve minutes and forty-eight… nine seconds later, the doorbell gave an annoying buzz. Getting out the money, she answered the door, and traded with the man, probably about twenty-five. He looked at her with a sheepish smile, as he gave a small thank you to the four-dollar tip.

Setting the pizza on the coffee table, she grabbed a beer from the fridge. Going into the living room, she flipped on the TV and attacked the pizza.

Twenty minutes later, she was on her third beer and fourth slice. About an hour after that, she was passed out; three-fourths of the pizza gone and ten open beer bottles tiled the floor, as the TV played through an hour long info-mercial. The lights shined brightly throughout the house.

He drove outside at midnight, like he had done for over a year. Stopping at her house, he looked at the house. His car was gone, and the lights where on. He was more than tempted to ring the doorbell, or call, but something wouldn't let him, so instead, he drove back to his place with a sad smile.

The night passed with no noise from Sarah. It wasn't until noon that she was actually fully awake. Her eyes batted as she rubbed her aching head. Turning, she moaned, forcing herself to sit up and survey her surrounding. It didn't take her longer than a second before she realized she had passed out, drunk, something she hadn't done in a long time. Steadying herself, she picked up the mess slowly, trying hard not to stumble over her own two feet.

After the pizza box and beer bottles found their new homes in the trashcan, she fixed an infamous shake; one she had hope she would never have to make again. Finishing with the blender, she poured it into a glass and forced the more than disgusting stuff down her throat.

The thought of why or what never passed through her mind until she found herself in front of a mirror before getting into a cold shower. The shivering thought plagued her as she let herself in the shower, hoping to rinse away whatever was left of him. After forty-six minutes in the shower, Mac dried off and got dressed. Appling a bit of makeup, she made herself a sandwich as she tried to decide what she would say if he called or came back.

That Sunday pasted solemnly. Mac had no contact with the outside world, no contact with any world besides the beer bottles. By midnight, all the beers were in the trashcan, and the only thing she had eaten was half of the sandwich she made for lunch. She was eagerly passed out by then.

Waking up at exactly 0800, she changed her clothes, and set out for an early morning jog. She had ran for 23 minutes before heading back home. Deciding to take the long way around the park, she enjoyed the dark lit scenery. Forty-five minutes later, she was slowing down her pace as she turned on to her street. Looking down the road, she saw the more than beautiful sunrise.

Smiling, she thought back to Brain. His darkly tan arms wrapped tightly around her petite body as they watched the sunrise on the beach. His softer voice, sang her to sleep every night those twelve nights. He was more than Heaven, more than happiness dared to ever bring her before. How was she supposed to live her life without him?

Unlocking her house, she looked around at the settings. Cleaning up the beer bottle timidly, she turned on another cold shower, as she got ready for work.

Thanks for reading, more will come soon. Please review, and if you couldn't tell, I kind of need a beta, so if you could either email me or leave your email in the review telling me you would, that would be great! Remember the little purple thing _is _your friend!


	2. Sorry

Thanks for the reviews everyone, not as much responses as I would prefer, but oh well. Sorry about the wait, but here it is.

* * *

_**Dear Harm,**_

_**I'm sorry for everything and the way I've treated you. If you are wondering, and I know you are, Brian in a good man and loves me. I must ask one thing of you, and you have to answer me truly. Do you regret letting me go? Don't think it will change anything, and I understand that I'm in no position to ask this, but I am and I'm sorry. Harm, can you please talk to me one more time, I miss your voice and you telling me how you care just once more. I miss your eyes, caring me with every step, and your touch, even when you don't touch me at all.**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Mac**_

Mac walked in the bullpen looking around at the self-involved people working mindlessly away on their current task at hand. Seeing Harm was no where in sight, she gave a quick nod and headed to her office, hoping upon hope that she could finish the day out in there.

Unfortunately for Mac, Tyner was quickly in her office with a message from the Admiral to meet him right away. Mac gave a quick smile of thanks as she looked up.

"Ma'am, what happened to your face?" he asked, looking at her redder mark.

"Um... kick boxing," Mac easily lied, adding the rolled eyes for extra measure.

"Get your butt kick Ma'am?" Tyner asked giving his serious goofy face only he could pull.

"No, Tyner," Mac said, eyebrows roused at the outburst.

"Of course not... Ma'am," he added sheepishly. Excusing himself from the office, he left, leaving the door slightly opened. Annoyed, Mac got up and left to the Admiral's office.

* * *

"Sir?" she asked, walking in the halfway opened door. 

"Col., take a seat," he ordered in a friendly voice. She complied, walking swiftly towards the chair, which practically had her imprint in it by now. "What happened to your eye?" he asked, when he looked up from his papers.

"Kick boxing class," Mac easily lied again, rubbing at her cheek. "Sir," she added after a delayed second.

"Hmm..." he mused, knowing something was wrong with the story, but decided to let it pass as he went on explaining her the latest news. Mac kept her attention focus and gave a few needed nods.

"Col, are you sure you are okay?" he asked before he was about to dismiss her. She looked into her eyes and gave a tight smile.

"Of course," she said, smiling a believable smile once again as she brushed back a strained of her hair. The Admiral gave her a sideways glanced before dismissing her to follow up on the lead he had just explained moments before.

The day past by and Mac stayed in her office more than usual, but then again, had no real reason of leaving. Finishing up, it was now 1734 and she was more than ready to go home. Organizing a little part of her desk, she left, saying goodbye only to the watch guard.

* * *

Exactly twenty-three minutes later, Mac pulled into her driveway. Getting out of the car with only her purse, she walked up to the sorry excuse of a front porch where a single rose laid. Mac, smiling, picked it up, and walked into her house with a huge smile. Mac got a vase and put the single, beautiful red rose on the counter as she opened the small enveloped. 

"Sorry," it read in a beautiful cursive writing on front. Opening, she recognized his handwriting.

_**My beloved Sarah,**_

**_How sorry I am. I can't believe I could ever do anything that stupid. I can't believe I could ever do anything to hurt you. You, Sarah McIntyre, are the love of my life, the reason I live. I can't tell you how much I love you, because I feel there are no words to describe. But I can Sarah, tell you that it is love. I will not make an excuse for what happened, because there is none to be made. I don't know what I would do without in my life, and I hope that you will find it in that oversize heart of yours to forgive. I have reservations the _Red Rock Grill_ for 7. I would be more than honored if you join me. _**

_**Brian**_

Mac smiled at the note and folded it. It took her less than a second to decide what she went in her room to change. Seventeen minutes later, Mac came out wearing a black skirt with a diagonal cut below her knees and a white top that straps laid off her narrow shoulders. Smiling at herself in the mirror, she grabbed her black purse and left to the _Red Rock Grill_.

* * *

She made it with four minutes until seven and with Brian nowhere in sight. Standing outside, she awaited, only to see him pull up a minute later with a black tux and a bouquet of roses in his hand. Handing her the bouquet, and kissing his beautiful wife, he brushed back a strand of her hair. 

"What's this?" she asked, holding up the flowers when she noticed on missing.

"Eleven roses. The rest of the dozen," he said with a cute, sheepish smile as he kissed her again and led her inside. Mac smiled at his joke and kissed him again as the waiter led them to their table.

* * *

Dinner went by quickly as they shared some crab cakes, salad, an order of ribs, and a key lime pie for dessert. Mac had noticed she didn't eat as much as she used to, but, frankly, never really felt hungry. Brian had first made comments about her eating habits, and would make her feel guilty eating too much, but of course, it was because of how unhealthy she had eaten. Before, she rarely got salad and would some stuff herself in front of anyone. Picking at the last of the key lime pie, she scooped it into her fork and fed it to Brian before replacing the silver fork with her lips.

As Brian paid for the meal, Mac left early to pick out some wine and bring it over to the house. She was also going to buy a few more beers so they would have some since she drank them all over the weekend. Shuddering at the thought, she turned up the music and headed to an all day liquor store.

* * *

Mac pulled into the driveway at home to see Brian's dark black car already there. Smiling she grabbed the wine bottle and a carton with six bottles of _Bud Lite_ she walked into the house to a lustful Brian. As Mac walked into the kitchen, Brian started to kiss her on the neck from behind. Mac tried to continue her task, but found it more than difficult to with the distraction. Not that it was a bad distraction, it became an even bigger on when he started on her ear. Mac giggled like a teenage girl as she finally got the bottles sat down and turned towards him. 

"I missed you this weekend," he moaned through the kisses. Mac's next task, pouring the wine, was an even more difficult task. After five minutes, she handed him his glass and they enjoyed the bittersweet wine. He finally pulled away long enough to take hold out his glass.

"A cheer," he said with a smile. Mac just looked at him, not sure what to say.

"A cheer to a new, better start. A cheer to the most beautiful person I know and love," he said, kissing her before he took a sip of the red wine.

"Cheers," Mac whispered seductively.

Their childish flirting games lasted five glasses of wine until Brian led Mac to their room and Mac started working on Brian's shirt. Rubbing around his buff, darkly tanned chest, she giggled again.

"Strip for me," Brian practically ordered. Mac shrugged, too drunk to care, as she started on her own little show for him until Brain's lust took over and he pulled her in roughly for less than passionate sex.

* * *

Mac woke up, her head throbbing as she looked around. Rubbing it slightly, she gave an annoyed groan. Brian laid naked under the covers, still sleeping with one arm over her tightly. Moving it off her genially, she sat up giving another groan as her chocolate brown eyes flickered the messy room. About this moment, as she pulled the heavy blanket around her, she noticed the mess in their once perfect room. A litter of a few beer bottles were indolently thrown off Brian's side of the bed. The nightstand and TV were masked by clothes she had worn the night before and the floor had her the rest of them. 

Running a hand through her hair, she stood up. Just as quickly as she got balance double vision took over and her knees started to shake. Grabbing the bed, she waited for her vision to clear and took a few steps. Wishing a moment she was capable to walk, so she went to her closet, picking out her running cloths for an early morning jog she hadn't done in some time.

* * *

Mac felt good as the chilled breeze ran through her dark brown hair that flapped as she moved to an on tempo beat. She wouldn't tell anyone, but this is how she got away from it all. This is the only place when the world didn't matter, when they didn't matter, and when time didn't matter. Slowing down, she changed into a steady jog. The street was dark, as the sun still slept as she turned back onto her street. Her mind came back to life as she realized she had been out forty-eight minutes already and for sure Brian would be up. 

As her jog faded into a walk, she felt pain and fear run through her veins, a feeling she hadn't had for almost 15 years. Shaking the thought out of mind she let calmness sink in before placing her hand on the door handle and opening the door just enough to squeeze in.

* * *

"Where have you been?" Brian asked from behind her as she poured her coffee. Mac froze, her hand clutching the handle of the mug as she slowly turned around. "Well?" he asked rather inpatient. 

"I... I went running," she stuttered, getting mad at herself for her fear. "Alone," she added, much to her dislike. As Mac studied Brian, she noticed a flame flutter in his eyes and she unconsciously backed up into the fake marble counter.

Brian's arm lifted to grab Mac's skinny wrist and pull them into his chest. Mac fought the urge to pull away as she looked into his possessed eyes. _What was going on in there? _She wondered, keeping their eyes locked just because she was afraid to look away.

"Mac," his voice started in an almost pleading pitch, "you know I love you, and I know you love me, so why do you keep this up? Why do you cheat on me?" Mac stammered, looking for words but knowing none could fix this.

"I, I didn't...I swear I was alone," Mac pronounced in a pleading voice imitating his.

"Bull shit!" he screamed, his grip on her wrist changing simultaneously with his tone. Mac flinched at that as a tear threaten to fall.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, trying to pull away from his glare.

"What's that, bitch? NOW you're sorry? NOW you care that you are ruining our marriage? Why NOW? Why not when you slept with him?" Brian asked, shaking her wrist, which were now losing all feeling, coming almost as numb as she felt.

"I, I didn't sleep with him," she whispered.

"Bull shit!" he yelled, shoving her back where her head slammed against the cubby. She screamed in pain, begging him silently to stop and let her be.

"Brian... please, don't... let me go... we can talk about this," she cried between tears.

"Talk?" he asked, his eyes fixed on her. "Talk about how much I care about you and just want to help you? Or do want to talk about how you are never here, and how you flaunt yourself at every other guy?" he asked turning her around where his back was against the counter. _Is that what he taught? Did she really flaunt herself? _

"I'm sorry," Mac said, sincerely meaning it. Looking into her eyes, Brian could tell that and let her wrist go as he pulled her into a hug.

"I'm sorry too, you know that I love you, right?" he asked, wiping away a tear as he pulled back.

"I know, and I love you too," Mac said, kissing him on the lips.

* * *

A/n: I'm going to quit; the paper clip seems bored, so I guess I've wrote enough. Please review, the little purple button is calling your name, telling you "push me, you love me." 


	3. Worst

**Title**: More Than a Marine

**Chapter Summary**: After all I've been through, you turning your back on me is what hurts the worst.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own JAG. I know, tear. I however own this story.

**Warning**: Language, spouse abuse verbal and physical, and minor violence

**Categories**: AU/Angst/Romance

**Pairing**: Mac/other Mac/Harm later

**Rating**: PG-13

**A/n**: I'm so sorry on how long it has taken me. A major writers block. This has taken a lot to write just because it is such a touchy and delicate topic. I have two parts to the chapter where it changes in time. I'm sure you can figure out where it is pretty easily, and if you can't… well sorry. Also I would like to address a complaint I have widely received. Many of you want Harm and Mac right now. Well, I'm really sorry, while this will become a Harm and Mac fic, it will be a pretty long fic. Unlike many "abused" stories I have read for JAG, and I mean this not to be mean or discriminate them because most of them I love, but they have Mac get hit once or twice and bam, Harm or whoever comes and saves the day. Well, I know Mac is a strong woman, but so was my eight grade English teacher. What I'm trying to say is because of Mac's past, I don't think she would quickly run away. I tried to hint on verbal abuse before physical in the first two chapters, which would make it even harder for Mac just to walk away.

**Dedication**: To Miss McCoin and all of those men and women who have ever survived through any abuse and to those who are now concrete angels.

----------

**_Harm,_**

****

**_The other day I asked you if you could care. I asked you if you loved me like you used to and if you really cared. You never answered me, and instead, you walked away, leaving me behind with the biggest lost I've ever felt. And to think, after all I've been through, you turning your back on me is what hurts the worst. Well, Cmdr. Rabb, you got your wish. I'm gone, gone from your life and gone from mine. _**

**_I am leaving JAG today, Harm. Did you know I have been planning to leave JAG for a month now? Well, today is my last day. If you would tell Harriet and Bud goodbye for me one last time, even though I am well aware they couldn't care less about me, I need them to know, right now I miss them and little beautiful AJ who I long to hold one last time. _**

**_I am aware you guys will forget within the year about me. I will try to hold you all in my heart because you have each touched me deeply. I have long forgotten how long I have been without friends before I moved to JAG and I hope, more than anything; I will be able to look back. Goodbye Cmdr. Rabb and farewell. _**

****

**_Sincerely,_**

**_Sarah_**

Mac woke up with a smile on her face. Her eyes fixed on the man in bed beside her. His eyes were moonstones in a midnight pond as they flickered open. His bared chest was uncovered when his arm went up to wrap around her petite belly only covered by a light blue spaghetti top that laid loosely on her skinny body. Her perfect smile was concealed by a kiss as he pulled her closer to him. His hand rustled through her hair as he continued the kiss more roughly and held her tighter to him.

Pulling back, Mac mumble, "Hey," her faced meshed up in a defensive look on her face.

"Come on, Sarah," Brian said, pulling her roughly closer to him.

"Brian, please," Mac said, trying to wiggle out of his grasp only to make his face twist and him grab her waist tightly.

"Stop it," he hissed, pulling her into a kiss that would surely leave her with bruising lips. Mac laid there numb until he pushed her off with a smirk, eyeing her up and down. "Get up, dumb ass," he yelled, getting out of the bed abruptly himself. Mac stumbled out of the bed, almost tripping over her feet causing him to laugh like and eight year old at the word sex. Mac just stood there, letting his eyes roam her body as feelings flooded her bringing back the memories with her not-so-beloved father. Standing there, her body to scared to even shake in her tight, rolled up, black shorts.

He staggered over to her side of the bed, his moonstone eyes fixed on her.

"Please, Brian," Mac no less than begged as he trotted. He grabbed her wrist tightly and laughed again as she shrieked in fear and pushed her back but kept a firm grip on her wrist so she wouldn't fall.

"Please what?" he laughed heatedly before pushing her onto the bed and going into the bathroom.

As soon as the shower started, Mac began to cry. Why the hell did she have to pull away, and be so incredibly stupid? Pounding her fist onto the bed as she laid on her back, she let out a groan through her tears.

-------

Mac stalked into the bullpen smiling and waving at Harriet. She was exactly five minutes and twenty seconds late because of her trouble with make up covering her skin right below her lips. For the most part, she did a pretty good job covering it. Past experienced helped. Moving her arm to her sore head, she walked towards her office, hoping she was the only on who realized she was late. Taking a seat, she opened one of the seven files that were placed on her desk.

Her newest case, defending a petty officer in the Marines who was charged with disobeying an order by her CO to recheck lord knows what causing a gas leak which could possibly lead to a explosion on military grounds and such. Her job, working second chair to Bud in offers to help. Flipping through the last of the stacks, she sighed, annoyed by his approached, but didn't want to exactly say anything because obviously Bud was smarted than a dumb ass like her.

------

The day past by rather quickly to her annoyance and was less than excited to get home. Tiding up her office, she took one last glance and was about to stand up when a slight knock rang through her office.

"Mac," Harm's voice sang.

"Come in," Mac said as he already had the door closing and was standing, almost leaning against it.

"Mac…" his voice trailed in her mind as he talked about the case.

"Do you care?"

"About what petty…" Harm started to asked, almost confused.

"No, about me," Mac asked sternly.

"What?" Harm asked, confused.

"You used to love me, even though it wasn't _that_ way, like a brotherly love. Do… do you still fell that way?" Mac asked from behind her desk as she stood, awaiting the answer she was afraid wasn't going to come.

Like she thought, Harm stuttered, looking at Mac, wanting more than the world to yell, I love you, Mac, and care for you with all my heart, but stopped himself on the soul purpose that she was married. Instead, he caught her angelic eyes before turning the doorknob from behind him and slowly slipping out.

* * *

Heaven has played harsh games on Sarah. For her entire life she has felt like a pawn in some sick bastard's game. Life never seemed to work out for her. When good things did come to her they were often ripped harshly away and then replaced by something a thousand times worst. Her whole life was about playing this game and catching every bit of happiness, but at the same time erasing some part of her past. Not a second went by that she would try to remember how it used to have been in fear that the out come would take over and she would fall greater into her own pathetic hole.

For a while, drinking was her solution and a perfect one at that. Everything was okay with that next drink. Nothing could possibly go wrong when she was drinking, even though she knew it always did. Drinking caused all of her problems and yet she still turned to it when everything crashed in front of her very eyes.

It had been a year from today that Sarah quit working completely. She left JAG as a Lt. Colonel, with not a single friend. By the time she left, Harm and her completely stopped talking, not even saying hi when they passed each other in the office She hadn't talked to Harriet in forever since their fight. It had started the first time Harriet noticed the bruises on her wrist and harshly confronted her about it. And with Harriet went Bud. AJ had left her with a sorrowful goodbye and a disapproving look. Sarah had made her decision so long ago and will keep by it even today. Making her relationship with Brian work would always be more important than some job at JAG.

Sarah looked into the hated mirrors. Mirrors where the most defining things in the house. They lied to her, teasing her with what she lived with each and everyday. A darker color formed right under her lip. She had gotten it when she stupidly stayed quiet. Dumping her over-sized bag of makeup, she picked out the deep foundation and rubbed a little on her finger and slowly worked it on her chin. Adding it perfectly all over face she smiled at herself weakly. She added a bit of blush too over the darker color and then started with her eyes. Like most days, there was nothing to show there. No matter how drunk he was, or how useless she was he rarely hit her above her chest.

Thoughts of regret rained over her. Why she put up with this each and everyday she still didn't know. She always promised herself if she would ever had a child she would leave and not let it grow up around him. But where would she leave to? She doesn't know any one at this fort in Arizona and didn't stay at many of the forts to get close to anyone else. Plus, who would want her? She left JAG with everyone hating her and she had no family or money. No one would want to help a pathetic woman like her, or could she ask them to. The center for abuse women, that was for women who were beating almost to death or ones with children. She couldn't ask them to waste their time with her when there are so many other women who really needed their help.

Sarah looked at herself in the mirror one more time. He would be home within the minute and she hadn't even started supper. He would probably be too drunk to care or notice. She said a silent prayer that he would pass out on the couch so he wouldn't notice the mess or lack of dinner.

Her eternal clock was flawless and built around the reason she used them for now. As her thoughts drifted back to her childhood, she quickly flooded them with the radio. The past was then, something she refused to go back to. Too much had happened back then, too much for her to ever be able to deal with.

Instead, she walked out of the bedroom into the kitchen to heat up some rice. Turning the box over she listened as it rained into the pot and she turned on the burner. Exactly two minutes later, his car pulled into the driveway. Exactly two and a half the rice was done. The doorknob turn and a strong scent of smoke filled the small house. He staggered up the stairs, cussing with each step.

"Get your ass in here, Sarah!" he yelled. She put the pot on another burner, brushed back a strained of hair and walked head down into another night of endless terror.


End file.
